Scrambled, Please.

Four years ago, 20 year old Amelia went through one of the hardest breakups of her life. When you date someone for four years, and you're not a "for fun" dater, you expect that relationship to be your last relationship. At least, that's what four-years-ago Amelia thought. That breakup shook me, not just because it was unexpected, but because I lost a future that I had been planning on having, a future that seemed brighter to me than any of the stars in the sky. My first response to having my heart ripped from my chest was to go to my youth pastor's house, who had always told me, "Our door is always open to you." So as I sat crying on my youth pastor's couch for the next two hours, his wife asked me a question that honestly had me questioning her sanity (love you, Johnna!).

"How do you like your eggs?"

Pause, rewind, play. Did you just ask me, "How do you like your eggs?" Yes, you did indeed just ask me what might be the most random question anyone has asked me before. Since I didn't know how to answer her question, she continued and explained what she meant by asking how I prefer my breakfast. 

In the movie Runaway Bride, Maggie (Julia Roberts) bolts from marriage after marriage before she can ever transition from bride to wife. Reporter-love-interest, Ike (Richard Gere) interviews all of the men Maggie has dashed from, and all of the men tell Ike that Maggie liked her eggs the way each of them liked their's. First scrambled, next fried, last poached. After Ike confronts Maggie about how she likes her eggs, it turned out Maggie had no idea how she preferred her eggs all along. She had just adapted herself to however her love interest was. 

So, I sat on the couch in my youth pastor's house, and I pondered that question. How did I like my eggs? Who am I really, without the security blanket of the relationship and a "figured out" future laying over my head? And when I finally came to the answer (which honestly took me a couple of years), I found out I had no idea who Amelia really was. I had for so long changed who I was, my favorite color, my hobbies, what television shows I liked, how I responded to feelings, to match who I was with. 

After taking a hard look at my surroundings, I realized that I didn't just do that with that relationship. I'd conformed to be like who I was hanging out with. It reflected in my attitude, in my dress, in my language, in my heart. 

For example, I have a friend who is a fashionista. Every time we go out and do anything, she's dressed to impress. She's up with the latest styles and she looks like she's stepped out of a magazine every time she steps out of the house. When we first started hanging out, I started to change my dress. I looked at what she wore and I tried to imitate it, making sure I had just the right jewelry and just the right shoes, and that my make up was done just right. It wasn't until she went off to school and I started to dress differently did I realize that I'd changed to make myself into who she was. 

Another example, there was a man I was interested in. This man had been through quite a bit in his life, and he felt damaged and that I was "too good" to be with him. He felt that I was innocent and since I hadn't seen or done the things he had, he wasn't worthy to be with me. So, I began to unload my secrets and the dirty parts of me, so that he would realize that I wasn't just a child.

When it boils down to it, I think we all have a tendency to try to change who we are to conform to someone that we consider worthy of being like. However, we need to reverse our thinking and come to the conclusion that God has made us the way we are for a specific reason. Psalm 139:14 tells us, 

"I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

Since he has made us each, individually, according to His purpose, and He has made is wonderful, why do we try to conform who we are to match what we see in our peers? We see the highlight reel of our friend's life rather than the "behind-the scenes" and think that what they have is better than us. Beloved, God has made you special. 

So in the last few months, I've learned how to be me by realizing some things about myself.

I don't like wearing make up, so I don't.

Dresses are fun, but I prefer blue jeans and cowboy boots.

I shouldn't have to reveal my secrets for a man to love me.

I like working out, but I also enjoy pizza.

I'm emotional, and I shouldn't have to hide that part of me.

And...

I like my eggs scrambled.